Trust and Forgiveness

"Once trust is betrayed in a very personal way it is almost impossible to gain it back.  There is always a shadow of doubt."

I put this statement on Facebook and several of the ones that responded were women who either went through a divorce or are about to go through one. These are beautiful women who were loyal and supportive wives.  Though they may have made mistakes as we all do in our marriages they were faithful. As a mother of a daughter who went through divorce I can truly say it was the most gut wrenching experience I have ever had.

I went through extreme feelings of guilt about giving my daughter to someone who didn't value what he had.  I went through deep pain as I watched my daughter collapse from heart break.  I went through frustration because I didn't know how to take away the agony of betrayal.

The worst thing of all was the inability to defend her to the public and to his family.  She chose not to discuss it with them or with his/their friends.  I'm sure her reasoning was good.  There are those who get so angry they say things they later regret or, worse yet, their friends back away because all they hear is "angry".  It can wear people out. Plus she didn't feel she owed them an explanation.  They would soon see for themselves.

I wondered why Jesus didn't speak when accused by the false witnesses.  Why didn't he defend himself?  He was God in human form.  If anyone could be eloquent in defense he could be.

There were two occasions in my life where I was crushed by people almost beyond repair.  One was with a pastor years ago, no need to mention his name - he is no longer a pastor, who abused his position and the people in our church.  He had to lie to cover his sins and he needed someone to place blame on so he chose me and Don.  We were beyond belief when those we knew for years believed his lies and didn't come to our defense.  It would not have done any good to try and defend ourselves.  It would fall on deaf ears.  So we went to God in agony and asked him to take it all. 

Through this process we were able to find grace, not just for ourselves but empowering grace to offer reconciliation to this pastor.  He refused, but that is his decision not ours.  In due time all came out in the light and those who were duped by him came one by one to apologize.  Grace was there, given to us by God, to forgive and rebuild.  Our church, years later, is in a much healthier position now.  We are able to have a more honest look at ourselves, humble ourselves, and allow God to work through us to our community. Now we are experiencing edifying grace.  It's wonderful.

The second time was with our ex-son-in-law.  Going through the gambit of emotions, including extreme anger, I have had to put him in the hands of God and allow God to bring all to light. We had loved him with all our being and the betrayal was hard to take. His family and friends know the truth because they know him.  And so we leave it there.  He has never asked for forgiveness.  I guess he doesn't see that he needs to.  It doesn't matter.  What matters is that I follow God's will and bask in the glory of his empowering grace. 

No, I am not going to defend us or my daughter to you.  I don't need to.  God knows what is real and what is not.  God knows what is true and what is not.  He will bring all to light in his time.  And since he has never let me down and always has my best interests at heart, I will trust him. "You will keep in perfect peace those who trust in you." Isaiah 26:3 NIV

Besides, it isn't my place to take vengeance. That belongs to God (Deut. 32:35).  What I am supposed to do is to love my neighbor as myself (Lev. 19:18)  In my many times pleading with God about what I should do he has reminded me that I cannot hate.  I must love because love is of God and anyone who hates his brother is not of God. (1 John 3:10) God's grace has given me the ability to love these people no matter what they did to me or my family. I must leave them to him.

Jesus knew that the judgement would come for those who abused him. He loved them so much. I am sure the thought of their punishment grieved him. That is why he died of a broken heart. He also knew that anything he would say would never change the minds of those who committed the grievances against him or those who chose to believe them.  It would have been a waste of time.  So he said, "Father, forgive them for they don't know what they are doing."  (Luke 23:34)

I discovered that because I forgive, or leave them to God, I don't have to reinstate them in the position they betrayed.  I don't have to trust them.  But I do need to allow God to soften my heart towards them so that I can genuinely pray for them.  That is what Jesus did on the cross as his life blood poured out.  He prayed for them.  If I claim to be a child of God how can I do any less.